(While sitting on the couch browsing Pintrest.)

Me: “Are you planning to do dark cabinets when we renovate the kitchen? Because this looks cool.”

The Actual: “What is that? Stone?”

Me: “Yea… but I think I might just want to stick with glass tile blacksplash. What do you think?”

:: The Actual leans away from me, smiles, and farts ::

Me: “I’ll take that as a ‘Why yes dear! I think that’s a great idea! Glass tile looks great!”

The Actual: “You’re so perceptive!”

“You need to get your head shot off. You’re just running in circles shooting shit and no one’s there!”

“The ninjas will never find me here…”

“Yea, eff you. Shoot you right in the balls.”

The Actual: “Do we have to bag our grass?”

Me: “Depends on what kind of mower we get and how often we cut it.”

The Actual: “I suppose if we want to have the best lawn in town… Oh damnit. We HAVE to have the best lawn in town!”

Me: “No we don’t. Why would we need to have the best lawn in town?”

The Actual: “Because we’re going to be IN TOWN!”